


Who Are You?

by FlightoftheFantasies



Series: Avenger's Oneshots [12]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, F/M, Happy Ending?, Mental Instability, Some Fluff, Triggers, Verbal Abuse, mention of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 15:24:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16767817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlightoftheFantasies/pseuds/FlightoftheFantasies
Summary: Bucky was your dream man, someone you felt you had waited forever to meet. He is sweet, caring, loving, strong, funny, and just an all around good guy. But there is a side to him, one that not many know about that Bucky works to keep buried. But sometimes, he likes to come out and play.





	Who Are You?

**Author's Note:**

> Mention of violence, slight verbal abuse, mental illness, it gets kind of dark... please beware if you have any issues with this.

Anyone who really knows Bucky Barnes knows there are two sides to his personality. There is the happy and fun loving side who is slightly geeky, especially when science is involved, and is basically a boy scout at heart. Over all this side of him is a really good guy. But then there is the side that Bucky fights to keep hidden, the side that only few know about and even less have seen. It is this side that you wish you never had met…

You joined SHIELD as a bright eyed and happy-go-lucky data analysis. Numbers were your thing, you were good, very good. Better than good if you were able to get a job at one of the top Government agencies in the United States. It had been your dream to work for SHIELD since you were a kid and would listen to stories from grandparents and parents about working for SHIELD. Working there was a family tradition and you wanted to continue that tradition.

Within the first few months of working, you managed to quickly climb the latter and gained a lot of attention, mainly from those higher up in a lot of power. You became the go to when needed to read data gained from different missions no matter how big or small, they wanted you, because they knew you would give them the exact information they needed. No matter how big or small, you were the girl for the job.

It is because of this position you are able to meet Sergeant James "Bucky" Barnes, the man who at first glance made you weak in the knees and with a single smile stole your heart away. The moment you laid your eyes on the 6'0 living sculpture with eyes you could just drown in, you knew he was going to be the man you spend forever with. And you did not waste any time before you made your move once you learned that James was completely single; thank you Steve Rogers for that bit of information.

"I'm sorry, repeat that for me again?"

You sigh with a roll of your eyes but still smiling, "I asked if you, James Barnes, would go out with me this Saturday?"

James blankly stares at you, blinking rapidly as if he cannot wrap his mind around the fact that you are asking him for a date.

Your smile slowly begins to fall, thinking that you just made a huge mistake, "Sorry, I- I shouldn't have asked, clearly you're not interested. Just forget it. I'll, um…"

Turning around, you try and walk away to get out of the awkward situation but before you are able to move too far, James' hand reaches out to grab your wrist and making you stop mid-step,

"Stop. Look at me please."

Without moving your body, you look back over your shoulder to see James giving you a small smile,

"There are those pretty eyes, now can I get a smile?"

"Depends, are you going to give me an answer?" You retort with a furrowed brow.

"I'd love to go out with you Saturday."

Your face softens, a hint of a smile plays at the edge of your lips, "Really?"

James' smile grows, "Yeah. You caught me off guard with your question. I, I didn't even know you were interested in me."

Facing him, you let out a light laugh, "And you're supposed to be a super soldier, always observant. I wasn't really subtle about my crush James."

He laughs with you, a sound that just gives you butterflies, "Guess I need to up my skills then. And please, call me Bucky. Only my ma calls me James."

"Okay, Bucky. So, Saturday at 7:30? I know a great restaurant we can go to."

That was five months ago and since then you and Bucky have been going strong. Everything seem to be as close to perfect as it could be in that time. What time you and Bucky are not at work, you spend as much time together as possible, getting to know one another and letting your relationship blossom. You are beyond happy with Bucky, but then things begin to change. Bucky begins to change.

One Tuesday, you and Bucky make the plans to go out for lunch, since he just came back from a mission, you wanted to catch up. Come lunchtime, you head out to the designated meeting spot to wait for Bucky. You get there a little early, so you pull out your phone, just messing around while you wait for him.

10 minutes… then 20…. 35 minutes pass and still no sign of Bucky. Finally you just give up and head down to a fast food truck to grab you something quick and rush back to the office before lunch was over.

Getting back to your office, you are so ticked off that you can't even bring yourself to eat. Instead, you grab your phone and call Bucky,

"What?!"

Bucky snaps through the phone after finally picking up.

"Don't take that tone with me James Barnes! We were supposed to meet for lunch, 45 minutes ago! Where were you, why didn't you call or text or something? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be, I wasn't with you hanging all over me and acting all clingy."

Your jaw drops. There is nothing you can think of to retaliate and just hang up the phone. Well, if that's how he feels then clearly there is no reason to continue talking to him. He wants to call you clingy then you will just show him how you are the complete opposite of clingy.

For the rest of the day, there is no attempt of contact from either you or Bucky. It is like the last five months haven't happened and you are back to not knowing who he is. It hurts, but you will get over it, move on.

Later that day, as you were packing up and getting ready to leave, a soft knock on the door frame grabs your attention. Glancing over your shoulder, you see Bucky standing there awkwardly shuffling his feet,

"I'm getting ready to leave for the day Mr. Barnes. If you need anything, please come back tomorrow and if I'm free I'll see if I can help you."

Bucky lets out a sigh, "Doll, look at me please. I'm sorry. Sorry doesn't even begin to cover it."

He walks up behind you, hesitating on wrapping you up in a big hug. But knowing you aren't too happy with him, he restrains himself.

"James, you called me clingy and acted like being with me was the worst thing imaginable for you."

Bucky grabs your hand and spins you around to look at him,

"I know and it was not true. You are not clingy and I love spending time with you. I have no real excuse except for the fact that coming back from a mission it's hard for me. Depending on what the mission is…"

"You need time alone to decompress?" you add sensing he was having trouble finding the words.

"Something like that. I should have told you, instead of just snapping and being mean."

You huff, leaning into Bucky and wrapping your arms around his waist, "I don't really understand but, I kind of get it. I wish you did just tell me, but now I know that after a mission to give you a little space and let you come to me when you are ready. Is that about right?"

Nuzzling against the top of your head, Bucky makes a sound of agreement, "Yeah, something like that. I'm still sorry Doll."

"Well, calling me clingy isn't the worst thing you could have called me. You're not completely forgiven yet, but I'm not as mad as I was before."

"Thank you." Bucky places a gentle kiss on the top of your head, "how about I continue to make it up to you by buying you dinner, dessert and cuddling watching your pick movie."

"My pick dinner and dessert?"

"Of course." he grins with a slight crinkle to his eyes.

"You Sir, have yourself a deal."

Bucky links your hands and grabs your bag, leading you out of your office and off to wine and dine you.

After that incident, things between you and Bucky level out and go start to look up once more. You really begin to understand the physical and mental toll missions take on Bucky and do what you can to accommodate him and his needs to help him after a mission. The more time you spend with Bucky, the deeper your feelings go.

Bucky just becomes the one person who consumes your thoughts day and night. Everything about him from his sense of humor, and playfulness to his caring and gentle nature. Just being with Bucky can put you at ease, making you feel safe and content whenever you are around him. Bucky takes care of you as much as you take care of him; it is an equal partnership of give and take, communication, and amazing sex.

However, everything is not all sunshine and rainbows.

The more time spent with Bucky, and the more you see him on his "bad" days after missions you start to see this other side of him that just sets you on edge. Little moments that causes you to see Bucky in a different light. It is like he becomes someone completely different, he is not your Bucky.

Just a few weeks after that first bump in the road, You and Bucky were having a slight disagreement over something. It was small, insignificant and shouldn't have even become an argument. You just wanted to let it go and move on because to you, it really wasn't that big of a deal or anything to stress over. But to Bucky, you don't know what what happened but he just seemed to explode and just couldn't let things go.

"Bucky, calm down. It's nothing to get worked up over. It was a stupid mug that cost less than a dollar. Let it go."

Bucky gives a low growl, "That doesn't matter! That little shit still broke your mug, you shouldn't just let it go!"

"I'm letting it go because it was a mug that had no significance to it! And I'm not going to go around shouting at co-workers over an accident that he apologized for and even offered to buy me a coffee!"

That doesn't seem to be the right thing to say to Bucky as you see his gaze darken with a snarl,

"So that's why you're so forgiving. You're getting all the attention; all eyes have to be on you right? You enjoy looking like the little victim and playing other people to get what you want."

"Excuse me? I said he offered, not that I took him up on the offer. I don't know where the hell this attitude is coming from but it needs to go. Now."

Bucky stands to his full height, attempting to intimidate you; which he does just that.

"And you need to stop being an attention whore. There's nothing that special about you to having you thinking every person that notices you wants you. You're lucky I even give you the time of day."

You shake you head, pissed off at the way he is speaking to you.

"Whatever. I'm not fucking dealing with you like this. If you want to apologize and explain what the fuck this is really about, I' might be willing to listen."

You walked away from Bucky after that and it was about 2 days before you heard from Bucky again. He did apologize, but never explained the reason behind his behavior. And for the the life of you, you accept it, just let it go to allow the peace.

One thing you can't forget though was the look in his eyes. Still, that look that was there it concerns you; something dark and almost blank like there is no emotion there at all. A sight that in the coming months becomes all too common with Bucky. Which is scary because his eyes always give away so much of what he is feeling and thinking. The only emotion that can be found in those moments is nothing but pure hatred, something that you are not used to seeing in Bucky's bright, loving eyes.

There are also times he will tense up if you go to hold his hand or hug him and jerks away from your touch like it burns.

You and Bucky are out spending the day together, no real plan of what to do. It is a day of just enjoying each others company. A cool, autumn day where it was just a little too chilly when the wind blows. Which was just fine for you because you get to cuddle in close to Bucky, who is basically a human furnace, to keep you warm.

Bucky has an arm wrapped around your shoulders, holding you close to him. Occasionally, he'll lean down to whisper something silly in your ear just to make you laugh.

"Oh look! There's a cart selling coffee and hot chocolate? Want some?" you ask with a smile.

"Alright, how about you go get the hot chocolate and I'll run over to grab up a snack. Sound good?"

"Yeah!" You press a kiss to his cheek before dashing off to get the drinks.

There is a little bit of a wait, so you send a quick text to Bucky that there will take you a little bit because they have to start some more.

He replies with an "okay" and tells you to come find him at the bookstore down the block.

It takes a little bit, but finally you are able to order a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows for you and a black coffee with extra sugar for Bucky.

Walking to the bookstore, a smile never leaves your face, humming softly. It's been a wonderful day and you feel like you are on cloud 9. Nothing could possibly ruin this day!

Walking into the shop, you instantly find Bucky, his back to you. You get a devious smile on your face, placing the drinks down on a table and creep up behind Bucky.

"BUCKY!"

You shout, jumping on his back to wrap your arms and legs around him.

The next thing you know, Bucky has tossed you over his shoulder, slammed your back against the wall with his hands wrapped around your throat.

"Bucky!" you gasp out, your hand going to his wrist, attempting to push his hand away.

A moment passes with you and Bucky just staring at each other that feels like an eternity. That dark look is back in his eyes and has you taking a step back. His fingers tight just enough to not fully cut off your air supply, but enough that you are sure there will be a bruise there later.

A cough on the other side of the book case seems to snap Bucky back to reality. He drops his hand from your throat, blinking rapidly and shaking his head as though to clear his mind. He returns to the present, finally realizing you are the one standing in front of him.

"Doll?" his voice soft and confused.

You lean away from him, your hands holding onto the spot he had just been squeezing. You breathing comes out harsh and uneven. You can feel your body shaking slightly, heart pounding in your chest, and for the first time, you are completely terrified of Bucky.

"Oh God! I'm so sorry Doll, I thought you were someone else. And… And… God I'm sorry. But you know I don't like strangers touching me, or sneaking up on me." he reasons, hugging you close.

"Y-yeah…"

He presses his lips to your forehead, nuzzling the top of your head. You are seriously shook up, but wrap your arms around his waist anyway. Telling yourself that it was your fault for his reaction, though he might have been a bit extreme.

After that, you become hyper away and cautious about how you act around Bucky. Never wanting to trigger another episode like that. You tell no one what happened, even hiding the bruise from Bucky. You don't know why, but you just felt like it was the right thing to do. Not wanting to stir up any drama or have people sticking their noses where they don't belong.

You have however, as discreetly as possible, asked those who have known Bucky for a long time and know him the best. But they all just tell you the same thing. That it is normal behavior for Bucky, that he has these sudden shifts in behavior but it's nothing to worry about. But you can't help it. There is something serious going on with Bucky. Something that he or anyone else is telling you; and it is something that is so major that it could completely change the outlook of your relationship.

And maybe that is why you are so worried about questioning him; because you don't want to change disrupt the balance. And as long as he is not talking down to you and degrading, it's not that bad… right? You can try to ignore the small changes in personality and just take what you can get from him… Right?

Life seems to have different plans for you and is ready to pull the rug out from under you, making you hit the ground harder than before.

Nine months into the relationship, you are spending the night at Bucky's apartment, something that has become a more regular thing for you. Hell, you even have a spot in his closet just as you've made space at your place for him. You tend to spend the night on days he leaves for a mission so you can take care of the place while he is gone, and then have laundry done and the kitchen stocked for when he gets home. This way he doesn't have to do anything but relax.

Bucky is due home soon from his latest mission that had him gone for two and a half weeks, one of the longest yet. You know he is going to need the chance to really decompress and have time alone after being gone that long. So you are trying to get everything done before he gets in, the down side is you don't really know when to expect him home.

You are currently in the middle of finishing off one of the make ahead meals for Bucky when you hear the front door open and Bucky's heavy footsteps stomping through the house.

"Bucky?" you hesitantly call out, worried about how he might react to you being there.

Bucky stops at the kitchen entrance, a hard glare on his face,

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

You keep your head down, focusing on the food, "I'm trying to get the food done for you so you don't have to worry about cooking this week."

You can just hear growl rumble in his chest, "Do you think I'm a fucking invalid? That I'm not capable of taking care of myself? I'm 36 fucking years old!"

"No! Bucky I was just…" you spin on your heel and gasp seeing the state of him.

"My God Bucky! Why are your hands covered in blood? Why are YOU covered in blood?! What happened?" you cry out, rushing to him, needing to make sure his is alright.

Bucky jerks away from you trying to check him over, "I'm fine leave me alone."

"Seriously Bucky, where are you hurt? Should you go to the hospital? Do you want me to call an ambulance?"

"What part of "I'm fine" can you not get through your head, you stupid bitch? I'm fine, it's not even my blood."

Your eyes widen in shock, "What? W-whose blood is it? Bucky, what happened?"

A dark, twisted smile plays on Bucky's lips, "You really want to know little girl?"

Your eyes widen in fright and you back away slowly from him, "Bucky?"

He cocks his head to the side, the evil smile on his face growing wider, "Aw poor baby, are you scared."

You nod, "Yeah, a little bit."

"Good." Bucky glares at you, the smile dropping to a snarl.

He has a look of pure hatred on his face, like he wanted nothing more than to lash out and hurt you.

You stumble backwards until your back hits the counter, "Seriously Bucky, stop it. You are really scaring me."

"Then fuckling leave already! Annoying bitch! God! I don't want you here, I never wanted you here but you can't take a fucking hint! Your like a damn leech, why he wants to fucking date you, I'll never know. All you do is treat him like a damn child like I can't even wipe his own nose! Fucking leave me the hell alone you God awful, pathetic,sniveling bitch! I'm DONE with you! I never want to see you again!"

You suck in a harsh breath, feeling you bottle lip wobble but you try and keep a straight face; not wanting Bucky to see just how his words affect you.

"Sorry to have been a waste of your time. I'll get out of your hair then; I'll come back for my stuff when you are at work. Good-bye James."

With that, you grab your bag and walk out the door without another look back. Placing the key his door in the side table on your way out.

"Good riddance." Bucky scoffs, heading off to the bathroom to shower before dropping down to bed and passing out.

You are on complete autopilot mode all the way home. You want to cry and scream but it's like your brain has just shut down, not fully being able to process what just happened. You want to be heartbroken, to feel like your heart has just been ripped out and stomped on, but you just feel numb.

Getting home, you sit on down on the sofa and just stare off into space. Going over everything in your head, it just doesn't make sense, none of it.

You expected Bucky to not be happy that you were there when he got home, it was normal. He needed time to himself after a mission and you always gave it to him. But that explosion of anger, the things he said, this rage was not just because he needed alone time. There was much more to it than that. The question is, should you really worry yourself over it?

Bucky talked down to you, broke up with you, and told you that he hated you. Why should you give him anymore thought and time after that? This isn't even the first instance of Bucky verbally attacking you and purposefully scaring you. That was not the Bucky you have come to love in recent months. It was like he was possessed or, or was someone else completely.

Maybe he was someone else, and he just put on a facade to full you. You hear stories like that all the time. People start dating and then at some point one of them just becomes someone entirely different. Maybe that's just what happened with Bucky and you are lucky to get out early before Bucky goes off the deep end and causes real damage to you.

You huff out a sigh, forcing yourself to stand up from the sofa. Dragging your feet, you go to the bathroom. After today, you need to take a nice, long, hot bath and maybe wine. Yeah, definitely wine. You just need drink until you can stop thinking and hopefully pass out. And that is exactly what you do.

A few days pass without a word from Bucky, not that you expected to hear from him, but he hasn't even shown up for work which is starting to worry about him. That is how you ended up with a surprise visit from one Steve Rogers.

"Hi Steve, what can I help you with?" you ask with a professional smile.

He's Bucky's friend and probably hates you as much as Bucky does, but you can remain cordial and not make a scene.

"Uh, hey. I was just wondering if you knew why Bucky hadn't been in all week?"

Steve's question confuses you, and your face shows it,

"Why would I know?"

Steve cocks a brow, just as confused as you are, "Because you're his girlfriend?"

You snort, "Yeah, up until 4 days ago when he came home from a mission called me an annoying, sniveling bitch. He compared me to a leech and told me to leave him the hell alone. No, I haven't heard from him and I'm not really sure I want to. I still need to figure out how I'm going to get my stuff out of there."

Steve drops to one of the spare chairs with a look of disbelief written on his face,

"W-what? Back up. Mission? What mission? And what do you mean Bucky called you all those names? Tell me everything."

You blow out a long sigh and begin to tell Steve everything, starting from how you fix up things for Bucky to eat while he has his alone time, and how Bucky came in covered in blood and then just let loose on you.

"I was really scared Steve; that wasn't my Bucky, I don't know who that was and I didn't know what he would do to me. So I left and that was the last time I saw or heard from him."

Steve lets out a frustrated groan, rubbing his hands up and down his face,

"Fuck! I knew something like that was bound to happen. God dammit Bucky! I told him to tell you early on but he didn't and now this shit has happened! And if he is out there is no telling what he could do."

"Wait, wait, wait. Tell me what? What was going to happen? And why do you keep talking about Bucky like he's someone else." You interrupt Steve's rant, wanting answers.

"There's something about Bucky that you don't know."

"No shit Sherlock. Now I want you to tell me what it is since I'm not going to be getting any answers from the source."

Steve rubs the back of his neck, "Actually, I think that you might want to go over there to him. Talk to him yourself instead of hearing it from me."

Narrowing your eyes, you slam your hands down on the desk, "Did you not fucking hear me when I told you Bucky said he wanted NOTHING to do with me?! Why the hell would I want to go talk to him after the shit he has done and said to me."

You stand up so fast your chair slams into the wall, "I don't even know why I am concerning myself with this! I should just walk away and be done with Bucky Barnes after the hell he has put me through! And damn it! I had even come to you and asked you if there was something going on with Bucky! You told me not to worry! Why now?! Why wait till now to tell me there is actually something about Bucky I should be worried about?!"

"Because it's for Bucky to tell you." he says in a calm, even tone.

"HE DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME!" you shout.

You cover your face, feeling your eyes well up with tears. Four days you have managed to not cry once and now here you are, at work and ready to have a total meltdown.

Steve stands up, slowly moving over to wrap his arms around you; trying to comfort you while you let out all of your pent up emotions.

"Listen to me Sweetheart, Bucky loves you. I promise you he does. You are all he can talk about, you are the reason he went back to therapy. And it's that reason that well…"

You stare up at Steve through misty eyes, "What Steve? Tell me please?"

He nods, "Okay. Come on, you're going to need something to eat and drink."

Steve takes you out to tell you the story that Bucky should have told you from the very beginning.

After your lunch with Steve, you take the rest of the day off and rush off to Bucky's place. You have to see him, have to talk to him now. There can be no more delay.

You bang on the front door as hard as you can, hoping to get his attention and praying that he answers.

"Bucky! Bucky! James Buchanan Barnes! You open this door right now! I'm not playing with you!"

The front door swings open and standing before you is a disheveled and haggard looking Bucky.

It is clear that he has not bothered to shave or do anything with his hair since the last time you saw him. His clothes were rumpled and doesn't look that clean. You have to wonder when the last time he showered or changed was. That thought alone has you pissed off all over again.

"Doll?"

You just snap, and slap him as hard as possible right across his pretty face.

"You asshole!"

The surprise of you slapping him and yelling has Bucky stumbling backwards. You storm into the house and take notice of the wreckage.

"My god! What happened here? It looks like a tornado went through here?!"

"Uh…"

Bucky is at a loss for words, not sure what is going on.

"Go shower. Go shave, brush your teeth and take a shower and I'll continue to tear you a new one afterwards."

Bucky dumbly nods his head and goes off to follow your orders. The second you hear the bathroom door shut, your shoulders deflate with a sigh as you really take in the room.

"God, what the hell did he do in here?"

Shaking your head, you set out to cleaning up a little bit, needing something to do while waiting for him and cleaning is the best option.

You find broken picture frames, smashed lamps, a broken mirror, torn up pictures, sofa cushions thrown around, flipped over table. And that's just the living room.

The kitchen isn't in much better shape; dishes piled up in the sink, a broken glass on the floor, leftovers scattered all over the counters it was starting to smell, and that is added on top of an overflowing trash can.

"I don't think I've ever seen Bucky have an episode this bad before." you whisper to yourself throwing away the last container of food.

You hear Bucky clear his throat from behind you. Spinning around, you see him awkwardly standing there, wet hair pulled back in a low bun, wearing sweatpants and a tank, and his beard trimmed up and looking much better. Despite everything, the sight of his is still enough to send your heart racing.

"Feel better?" you ask, tying up the bag.

"Uh, yeah. Thanks."

"I cleaned up the living room a little and straightened up the sofa, let's go in there and sit."

"So you can tear me a new one?" he says with a small smile on his face.

"Oh, you'll be luck if that's all I do James."

You see him cringe at the use of his real name, and feel a little happy about that.

You keep a generous amount of space between you and Bucky with him on the sofa and you on one of the chairs. Bucky refuses to make eye contact with you the whole and honestly, you hate it. You miss seeing those steel blue/grey eyes of his. But also you worry about seeing that blank stare of his.

Bucky gives a small cough and sniffle, and even though he is not looking at you, you have a feeling that there are tears in his eyes.

"You know don't you?" he whispers, his voice broken and defeated.

Nodding, "Yeah. Steve told me. But why didn't you? You should have been the one to tell me, not Steve, and definitely not nine months after we started dating."

You watch as Bucky wipes his cheeks, trying to be rid of all evidence of him crying.

"I know. But… Damn Doll, it's not that easy. That's not really a first date conversation starter." he lifts his head, staring you right in the eye, " What was I supposed to do go "Hey, I suffer from PTSD and from that I have Multiple Personality Disorder?"

"Yes! That's exactly what you say James! You tell me right out that you have mental illnesses that you are seeking help for and take medication to help you function day to day. You tell me so I know what to expect and who I'm talking to when you suddenly have a shift in personality, your eyes go blank and you threaten me! James, this whole time I thought it was you calling me those names, trying to strangle me, avoiding my touch, avoiding me."

Bucky is up in a heartbeat and kneeling in front of you. He takes a hold of your hands, kissing your knuckles,

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry Doll. I hate what he put you through. I hate the way he treated you; it kills me that I can't do anything to change the damage he has done to you." Bucky apologizes repeatedly, moving to wrap his arms around your waist and resting his head against your stomach.

You pull his hair down from the tie and run your fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp in a soothing manner.

"I know that now James… but it still happened. Maybe it I knew about him beforehand, I could have been better prepared and maybe it would hurt so bad…"

Bucky squeezes you tighter and you can feel his tears soaking through your shirt. He continues to mutter how sorry he is.

Your own tears begin to fall, leaning over to holding Bucky close to you. The silence surrounds you both as you share this moment letting out all of the hurt this other personality of Bucky's has caused you both in the last nine months.

You aren't sure how long either of you are there, but eventually the tears dry and Bucky is able to let you go, sitting back on the floor to look up at you.

"So… now what?" he questions you, eyes shining with a hint of hopefulness.

You shrug, "I don't James. I really don't. The only thing I can think of is maybe we really do say good-bye and walk away."

"No! I love you! I don't want to walk away from you." Bucky argues, eyes full of determination.

"You might love me and might not want to walk away from me, but he does. He doesn't seem to like me very much. Or at all for that matter."

"Well, to be fair, The Soldier doesn't really like anyone. Not even me."

You cock a brow, "You call him The Soldier?"

"That's what the therapist started calling him and it stuck." he says with a shrug.

"Ah. But seriously Bucky, if me being around is what brings 'The Soldier' out more, that maybe I'm not good for you. I don't want to be the cause of the deterioration of your mental health."

"But Doll…"

You hold a hand up to stop him from arguing anymore, "I don't want to lose you either Bucky. I love you, I do. But the words, the actions, yeah I know it wasn't you now, but it's just not that easy to erase all of the hurt that was cause in a span of 20 minutes. It just doesn't happen."

Bucky shoulder's fall, body curling in as if to make himself look smaller, "So what? You're really going to leave me?"

"No."

His head jerks up real quick, "No? What?"

"No, I'm not walking away that easily. BUT,"

"But?" he pushes,

"But we can't just go back to the way we were." you explain calmly, "I can't just jump back into a relationship with you. I need a little bit of time to really get my head around you having this other personality. I need to know how I can help you, how I can handle him, and I need time to learn to trust you again."

Bucky goes quiet, blinking up at you to let your words really sink in.

"So this isn't the end?" he asks softly.

"This is not the end." you reaffirm.

He thinks a moment, "Then what is this?"

You take a deep breath, "This is, we start as friends. Go slow, and see where we end up."

A small smile plays at the edge of his lips, "I think that sounds like a good plan. Thank you Doll."

You slid out of chair and kneel in front of Bucky to wrap your arms around his neck and pulling him in for a tight hug, and his arms slid around your waist.

"I love you Bucky and I don't want to lose you."

"I can't lose you either."

There is a long, rough road ahead of you. Nothing is going to be easy and there is going to be plenty of fighting with The Soldier. However, there is a chance that you will be able to make it through.

'Prepare for a fight Soldier because I'm not going to let you win so easily this time.'

A dark flash reflects in Bucky's eyes, his fingers dig into your back just a little too hard,

'Enjoy it while you can you little witch. I will gain full control and you'll never see your Bucky ever again. I'm just getting started.'

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated!


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